NPR attempts 24/7 coverage

NPR can be mindnumbingly mediocre about 60 percent of the time. Unfortunately, it's the only news worth listening to on the radio (at least here in Louisiana).

Here's my parody of a report I heard this morning:

RM: This is Morning Rendition from NPR News with Linda Worthammer. I'm Renee Montana. Police in London have shot and killed a man at a London subway station. This happens just a day after four small explosions hit the London transportation system, underscoring the tension that exists in the city. We'll be reporting on this story as updates become available.

Ten minutes later ...

RM: This is Morning Rendition from NPR News with Linda Worthammer. I'm Renee Montana. Police in London have shot and killed a man at a London subway station. This happens just a day after four small explosions hit the London transportation system, underscoring the tension that exists in the city. The man was said to have been wearing a heavy raincoat. Joining us now is Kathy Slane of the Associated Press in London. What can you tell us now about what happened this morning.

KS: What we can say is that police in London have shot and killed a man at a London subway station. Police confirm that the man was wearing a heavy coat. It's quite warm today. Apparently police agreed that it was unusually warm today. I'd say it was muggy, maybe even a smidge oppressive.

LW: What are you wearing Kathy?

KS: Well I'm wearing a light sweater to take the chill off should the weather change slightly, which under present conditions, is unlikely to happen.

RM: Thank you Kathy. Again, police in London have shot and killed a man in a London subway station. NPR will continue to report this story as updates become available.

Ten minutes later ...

RM: This is Morning Rendition from NPR News with Linda Worthammer. I'm Renee Montana. Police in London have shot and killed a man at a London subway station. The man was reportedly wearing a heavy raincoat. This happens just a day after four small explosions hit the London transportation system. There must be a lot of confusion there. It is humid, so anyone wearing a raincoat might be considered suspicious. Kathy Slane is a reporter there for the Associated Press. She thought it would be prudent to wear a light sweater today, but did not take a raincoat with her when she left for the office this morning. Kathy, what can you tell us about what's happening there?

KS: Apparently police were pursuing a man because he was wearing a raincoat. The man went into a London subway station, where something happened that caused police to shoot him. Of course, police are on the lookout for suspicious characters, and wearing a heavy raincoat would be considered suspicious. Police confirm that the man was killed.

RM: Kathy, do you have any information about the raincoat the man was wearing?

KS: Well, police haven't commented on that detail yet, but if I were to wear a raincoat, I think I'd want to wear something light because it is quite warm and humid today.

RM: Kathy Slane, reporter for the Associated Press in London. Thank you Kathy. Again, police in London have shot and killed a man in a London subway station. NPR will continue to report this story as updates become available.

Ten minutes later ...

RM: This is Morning Rendition from NPR News with Linda Worthammer. I'm Renee Montana. Police in London have shot and killed a man at a London subway station. The man was reportedly wearing a heavy raincoat. This happens just a day after four small explosions hit the London transportation system. There must be a lot of confusion there. It is humid, so anyone wearing a raincoat might be considered suspicious. Kathy Slane is a reporter there for the Associated Press. She thought it would be prudent to wear a light sweater today, but did not take a raincoat with her when she left for the office this morning. Kathy, there have been a lot of reports about this incident. What can you tell us?

KS: Yes, Renee. Well, police confirm that they shot a man at a subway station. They reported that he was wearing a heavy raincoat, and they confirm that anyone wearing a raincoat must either be slightly daft, or a possible terrorist. I, for example, being neither, am only wearing a light sweater. Police pursued the man into a London subway station, where in an altercation of some kind, police shot at the man. Police confirm that the man was killed. The incident happened at the Stockwell station, on the Northern line of London. The thing you have to know is that London is a big, sprawling city, so you can divide it into quadrants: north, south, east and west. This incident happened in the northern quadrant.

RM: Kathy, isn't it true that London police officers, also known as "bobbies" aren't normally armed with guns? That they are armed, doesn't that perhaps suggest that they are more concerned with protecting Londoners.

KS: You're right Kathy. London police officers are known as bobbies, and when I came to London 15 years ago, I almost never saw an armed bobbie - isn't that a cute name for a police officer? Yes, I think bobbies feel that they should be armed with guns in case they encounter a terrorist.

RM: Thank you Kathy. Kathy Slane, reporter for the Associated Press in London. Thank you Kathy. Again, police in London have shot and killed a man in a London subway station. NPR will continue to report this story as updates become available.

Ten minutes later ...

RM: This is Morning Rendition from NPR News with Linda Worthammer. I'm Renee Montana. Police in London have shot and killed a man at a London subway station. The man was reportedly wearing a heavy raincoat. Kathy Slane is a reporter there for the Associated Press. London is a big city. It is divided into north, south, east and west quadrants. London police officers are known as bobbies, and until recently, they weren't armed with guns. Kathy, we've been hearing a lot about this incident. How are Londoners reacting?

KS: Well Renee, Londoners are obviously worried, given the terrorist bombings a couple of weeks ago, and the smaller explosions yesterday. I'm not seeing anyone wearing raincoats today. I wouldn't expect them too anyway, since it's such a warm day. But I think they might want to leave their raincoats at home now, in light of the suspicion that could cause.

RM: Isn't it true, Kathy, that it rains a lot in London? How will Londoners cope if they don't feel like they can leave their homes wearing a raincoat?

KS: Well, it might be a bit frustrating and inconvenient. I think we'll be seeing more people using umbrellas. I happen to have a little Tote umbrella I carry with a pair of dress shoes for the office (I usually wear more comfortable walking shoes until I get to the office). So I'm ready for just about anything, Renee.

RM: Well, I have to say, Londoners have always been a well-organized efficient lot of people, haven't they?

KS: Yes Renee, it's true. Although I'm an American citizen, living here for 15 years can change your habits. I feel like I've really picked up some habits of Londoners.

RM: Thanks Kathy. Kathy Slane, reporter for the Associated Press in London. Again, police in London have shot and killed a man in a London subway station. NPR will continue to report this story as updates become available.

Ten minutes later ...

RM: This is Morning Rendition from NPR News with Linda Worthammer. I'm Renee Montana. Police in London have shot and killed a man at a London subway station. The man was reportedly wearing a heavy raincoat. Kathy Slane is a reporter there for the Associated Press. She said London is a big city divided into quadrants. She's lived their for fifteen years and feels like a real Londoner now. London police officers are known as bobbies, and we imagine they're doing the best they can to keep Londoners safe and secure. Of course, there's only so much they can do, and Londoners may now have to start carrying umbrellas instead of wearing raincoats. Kathy Slane has been reporting on this story for us this morning. She's wearing a comfortable pair of walking shoes and a light sweater. Kathy, what's the weather like now? Is is expected to rain today? ...